ever_restless

Waking up seems to be the single-most gigantic obstacle for me each day.  I'm not referring to the act of opening my eyes in the morning and forcing myself to crawl to the shower and prepare myself to start the day.  Though very similar, I'm speaking to the  idea of waking up mentally, spiritually and emotionally each day to fully expose myself to life.  Some days, I never wake up at all and going through weeks, sometimes months of slumber is not rare for me.  Maybe it's the comfort of a warm blanket that keeps me so comatose, but I'm guessing it's my addiction to the fantasies my mind provides while I'm dead to the world.  

I can easily see myself spending my entire life sleep-walking through each day, investing my energy in mindplay while instinctively making a living and doing just the bare essentials to keep my heart-pumping the fuel to drive my brain.  This would be easy, as I said, I've done it most of my life.  However, there have been rare occassions that I've actually awaken from my usual unconsciousness to see what it is like to live...to suceed...to love.  It's a splendidly exhilirating feeling that I long to have continue...but like a really great drug, it seems the highest of highs always eventually come back down...forcing my eyes to shut once again, sometimes to avoid pain and rejection, other times to avoid the pressure of success and the fear of failure.

But, as my night grows longer, I realize I will soon regret not having spent the majority of my life awake.  I'm hoping I can find that cup of coffee that will actually work.  I've heard many people do it before...I know it's out there for me.  I dream I will acheive this one day...but maybe that's just the problem.

Current Mood:

restless